She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
