if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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