k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
