Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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