You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
