I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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