My sheets look like a crime scene.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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