thus making me awesome and them whores
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
