he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
