Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
