she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
