I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
