This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
