Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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