I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
