I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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