I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
