you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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