Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
