I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I want to fling myself into the sun
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
