If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
