Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
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I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
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He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?