it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.