if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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