I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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