Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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