We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
