Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
