oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
