i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
