did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i dont even know how to be here
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
