Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(417): View more from Missouri

Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?

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(905): View more from Toronto

we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

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(231): View more from Michigan

btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.

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(707): View more from California

Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.

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