I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
