I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
