we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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