I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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