my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
