I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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