He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
