Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This house was built for laser tag.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
