If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
