And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
