I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
