So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
