sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
