quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
