My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
