I cockslap morals
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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