the condom got lost in my hair
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.