She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize