Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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