is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
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My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes