It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
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Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.