What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
