Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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