So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
