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I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
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